Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
my mom making me talk to relatives
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.