Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try