I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.