Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.