Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I weigh at least 17 squirrels