Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
#gardening
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings