This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
#gardening
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁