My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat