Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute