Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.