I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road