Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery