My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.