The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.