i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos