The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Oh my God.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again