i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*skinny dips into black hole
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport