I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
