Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it