her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier