My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
