Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!