Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.