I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
What flavor cupcake are these
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
😂🤣😂🤣
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.