Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”