If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
If you are reading this then you are reading this