My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING