I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Monday Lisa
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.