I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.