“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””