You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.