Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.