Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.