Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣