Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I feel seen.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy