there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?