Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
When you’ve simply given up.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
True?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.