Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
tell em, edith-anne
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.