I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.