I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Brilliant!
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor