imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.