All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.