Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”