The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself