I don鈥檛 know about eating 8 spiders a year but I鈥檓 definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they鈥檙e probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It鈥檚 been comedy and chaos ever since 馃槀.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?