I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?