Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
there’s probably a fee though
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.