Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.