“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
