when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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